By Bri-Anne Gladd
Come April of each year, we’re reminded through Sexual Assault Awareness Month of the prevalence, impact, and importance of addressing sexual violence. Sexual violence is far too common and can happen to anyone, at any time. While underreporting influences what we know, we do know that 1 out of every 3 women, 1 out of every 6 men, and nearly half of all persons who identify as part of the LGBTQIA+ community have at least one experience of sexual assault in their lifetime, often before the age of 18. Of those who have experienced sexual assault, only 1 in 4 women, even fewer men, and far fewer persons who identify as transgender or non-gender conforming seek formal help from organizations like Womanspace at any time afterwards. That number of those who reach out for help may decrease while we are all diligent in social distancing to protect ourselves and others from COVID-19, especially those who are most vulnerable.
The contrast between the overwhelming number of survivors and the amount who seek professional support tells us many things, two which stand out at this time. First, any given human more than likely knows someone who is a survivor – whether their story of sexual assault is known or not. Second, the regular players in a survivor’s life are often the ones who have the best opportunity to act as support. While we at Womanspace have the privilege of supporting and empowering the survivors who reach out to us, there are many who we may never come into contact with, especially at a time like this. This makes the issue of understanding how to support survivors from where you are even more important. We’ve entered in a time where our routines have drastically changed and we’ve been forced to slow down. When we’re forced to slow down, this often requires us to notice the things that have been rolling around in our heads, sometimes even those things we’ve pushed off and packed deeply away in the farther, dustier corners of our minds. When we don’t have the constant distraction of going from this to that, what lives in our heads has the opportunity to ask us to remember and to pay attention. When it comes to sexual assault, or any traumatic experience, we’re not always tapped on the shoulder and gently “asked” to pay attention, but rather forced to acknowledge something looming and demanding, something still soaked in raw, unwanted, undigested emotion. It can be overwhelming, frustrating, scary, and exhausting to push this away in the midst of an abrupt halt, especially if constant movement has been successful in keeping it all at bay.
It may, or may not be, that a survivor in your life experiences something like this as they adjust to slowing down. It could happen while life is moving at a record-breaking pace, long after social distancing has ended. We don’t always get to choose when traumatic experiences re-surface, which is often why disclosures are made years after the actual experience of violence. This isn’t a letter encouraging to brace yourself for a disclosure, but rather to prepare you to be as supportive as possible at any time in your life, should you recognize that you have been allowed the opportunity to play even the seemingly “smallest” role in someone’s healing process. Years later, you may learn that it was more helpful than you could’ve imagined.
Successful healing from sexual assault is heavily impacted by the response a survivor receives following their disclosure – if a survivor shares their experience either directly or indirectly, and receives support, their chances of healing can significantly increase. Providing this type of support requires a choice to move beyond general, personal awareness of an issue, and into intentional action. Awareness is an important first step, but it is just that – a single, initial step. Awareness is an opportunity – a green light to an open road of forking paths, a conduit for actions of varying degrees and meaningful impacts. In remembering how widespread and negatively impactful sexual assault is, we have the unique opportunity to transform our awareness into a healing force of support and advocacy for survivors at any time, whether that means for one person or for many more than we can count.
Providing Meaningful Support
The choice to support may be simple and intuitive, but the perception of how to do so can range from “obvious” to daunting – it is often a trial and error type of process and requires empathy and open-mindedness. This is why we reach out – to provide you some support in navigating this terrain as, statistically, you may be more likely to navigate it than we are any given year, but especially over these next few months. Regardless of who the survivor or supporter(s) are, there are key things that ensure support results in a successful and meaningful impact.
A major key to successfully supporting a survivor is working to identity the way they need to be supported. To do this? Show up with the intention of being primarily a set of ears – not solely a voice – that are flexible and openminded. Set your focus on hearing what the survivor is saying so that they can determine and voice what they choose to about what they’ve experienced, how they feel, and what they want. They might not know how to use their voice for this at first, but know that’s part of the process of healing from sexual assault – learning how. Your choice to listen and remain non-judgmentally, supportively present creates a space in which they can feel a sense of growing confidence in themselves to begin or continue to process their experience.
When supporting someone who’s experienced violence, we can carry our own level of hurt while bearing witness to their pain. Many times, supporters have their own interpretations, opinions, reactions, and hopes after finding out that their loved one has experienced sexual assault. Sometimes, these reactions are different from the survivor, and this can be confusing for supporters to understand, as well as uncomfortable or even frustrating. This sometimes drives us to respond in a way that will help us feel as though we are “fixing” the situation. While this may allow us to feel helpful, it is, at the same time, also confusing, frustrating, and very isolating for survivors to continually hear or feel the reactions of others impressed upon them.
Sexual assault is, by nature, an act of power and control. It is not an accident, it is not done out of passion or confusion, and it is never provoked. The goal of sexual assault is to take choice and control away from the victim, and society does not always respond as if this were the case. In supporting survivors, it is important to recognize the powerlessness and vulnerability present in their experience, as well as the nature of their inherent strength. When loved ones continually probe a survivor for disclosures of feelings that they do not have, or when friends continually request or implore a survivor to feel or act angry, vindictive, revengeful, silent, active, grateful, remorseful, or any other emotion that doesn’t fit the pieces of their experience, it further removes, or suggests the removal of, control from a survivor. Be open to hearing thoughts and feelings that you might not expect. Be willing to set aside your own reactions for time spent hearing and affirming a survivor’s, even if you can’t agree with or understand them fully for yourself. Affirming does not have to be complex, and there’s no perfect or magical phrase to erase the impact of trauma. Simply saying that you can see how difficult or confusing a time they are having, and that you are willing to be with them as they navigate this is enough to get the ball rolling. Letting them know that they are capable of healing, and that there is help for them is enough. Believing them and being present is enough.
It may also be the case that the survivor you support has trouble understanding their own reactions and wants. After sexual assault, one’s own thoughts, feelings and reactions may feel foreign, strange, frustrating, overwhelming, and sometimes unaccepted by those in their lives. The truth is, the way that any one person responds to trauma is normal, though by no means comfortable or familiar. Trauma overrides our ability to process or cope in our “typical” manner and requires a whole new way of responding – it shatters what we knew and determines, for a time, how we operate moving forward. What is important for supporters to focus on is being present and validating survivors, rather than trying to problem solve or “fix” the narrative or response. The important thing is to keep your focus on who you are supporting, and continuously make the effort to distinguish between what you want for your loved one and what they want – this is how you can be a priceless resource to someone in pain. Learn to be interested and respectfully curious about how they think and feel. Let them be in control of naming what that is – empower them to use their voice in the way that they want, need and choose to. Creating & maintaining space for your loved one to simply “be” and be affirmed and validated goes a much longer way that some may give it credit for. It is one of the most valuable things you can contribute to someone’s healing process.
Three general guidelines to keep close by are:
- Empower any survivor you’re supporting by placing your focus on THEIR processing before your own while you are with them. Be present, and allow them a safe space to feel in control of their own narrative of the past, present and future.
- If you need to, process your own reactions with a professional you’re already connected to, another loved one, a compassionate listening hotline, in a journal or however you process — this will allow you to continue making space for supporting someone else, without feeling the need to control both your and their narrative.
- Affirm to your loved survivor that there is help for them in many forms, and that they have the time and space to consider and plan what that help might look like moving forward. Help exists whether it be sharing with you, doing the research to build a relationship with a trauma-informed therapist, planning to learn their rights and options, seeking out a support group to attend in the future, and/or spending time with themselves to explore what helps to create a sense of peace, calm, relaxation or safety. For information on professional services and resources available, visit womanspace.org.
Some at-home options to explore during this time could be beginning to practice yoga (plenty of free classes on YouTube), downloading a mindfulness or meditation app with free features (Headspace, Calm), journaling, re-watching a comforting movie or show,at home workouts, listening to music, practicing a faith or spirituality, taking a walk, or practicing a skill or hobby that brings both a sense of focus & calm. There are also compassionate listening hotlines available, such as Contact of Mercer County: http://contactofmercer.org/hotline/
Transforming One-on-One Support into Advocacy
By simply supporting one person, you position yourself to be supportive of many — the act of learning to intentionally and empathically respond to and advocate for survivors can act as a strong thread in the larger safety net for an entire population. Often seeing one person receive help can inspire us to want to expand upon what we’re able to offer.
Most forms of advocacy can be done in partnership with a local victim response agency, which in your case is us at Womanspace. Some can be done in everyday conversation, whether in person or not. Many of these are simply going to have to wait, but there’s never any harm in building a plan for how you’d like to support survivors once we’ve come through the other side of this. Some of the simplest ways to increase education, support and begin learning how to advocate:
- Being intentional about how you discuss survivors and sexual assault in your everyday conversations – you never know who is learning from or listening to you.
- Inviting Womanspace to speak in your school, work or faith community in order to raise awareness and education around the nature, impact, prevention & appropriate/just response to sexual assault.
- Requesting materials (brochures, “palm cards”, flyers) from Womanspace to keep in a public place for easy access in workplace bathrooms, schools, places of worship, gyms, your own business, etc. You could even keep handful and keep them in your car, personal bag, or home in case someone was to disclose their experience to you.
- Volunteer as a response team member, which, after training, involves being on call at designated times to respond to police station or hospital calls where a survivor has presented for help following an assault. New team members are trained twice per year.
- Keep an eye and an ear out for events held by Womanspace, like Communities of Light – find ways to be involved, whether it is joining in by spreading awareness or inviting friends to join at events.
- If you are an attorney, Womanspace partners with family law attorneys to provide monthly pro bono legal clinics to survivors of domestic violence.
- Single or recurring donations, big or “small” increase the breadth, width and continuation of resources for survivors. Depending on the desire and passion of the donor, one could donate to their local or state-run organization, national organizations like RAINN, or global organizations like International Justice Mission, where a $35 gift can provide an international child survivor of sexual violence 1 hour of trauma therapy.
We thank you for allowing us to share a piece of what we know so that you can support your loved ones at any time, and especially a time where it may be difficult to adjust to the slowness or loneliness of social distancing — whether that be in a shared home, over the phone or even very simply via text. We are grateful for your investment in raising awareness, and in choosing to support survivors, in whatever time and in whatever fashion you find yourself capable. Support comes in many shapes and sizes. There is no “wasted” support – what you can say, do, or offer is incredibly valuable. Remember: your contribution starts with awareness, and has the capacity to grow into endlessly impactful advocacy. You are the one who gets to choose what that will look like, and we are honored to partner with you continuously.
