In recent weeks, headlines have once again focused on long-buried cases of exploitation involving wealthy, well-connected individuals and the young people they harmed. Many of these stories describe networks of abuse that spanned years, crossed borders, and involved people others trusted, admired, or even celebrated.
Whenever these stories resurface, the same questions echo across the public:
How did this happen to so many people?
Why did no one see it sooner?
Why did no one stop it?
At Younity, our counselors and prevention educators sit with individuals and families who ask those same questions every day. What we know is this. Domestic and sexual violence, including trafficking, almost never begins with obvious danger. It often begins with what appears to be care, attention, romance, or opportunity, offered by someone the victim-survivor knows, likes, or trusts.
In other words, it begins in ways that feel good.
That is exactly why people of all ages, including very smart, capable teens and adults, can be drawn into unhealthy or abusive relationships before they realize anything is wrong.
How Manipulation Often Begins
Sheilagh Mescal Gunstensen, BScN, MA, Younity Training Specialist, explains that many abusers and traffickers are “master manipulators.” Their first goal is not to frighten someone. Their goal is to understand them.
They listen closely. They ask questions.
What is your family like?
Who supports you?
What are you worried about?
What do you dream about?
On the surface, it looks like genuine interest. For a teenager or young adult who feels unseen, this kind of attention can feel like safety. The person might offer rides, buy gifts, or constantly check in. Friends may even comment on how caring this new person seems.
But beneath the surface, they may be gathering information on vulnerabilities, support systems, and basic needs. Later, those exact details can be used to control, isolate, or threaten.
To help people recognize these patterns early, Sheilagh points to a prevention model developed by Dr. Dina McMillan, a social psychologist specializing in manipulation and coercive control. Her framework describes three early warning categories: too much, too soon, transform.
Too Much, Too Soon, Transform
Too much
- Too many compliments
- Too many gifts
- Constant attention or togetherness
- Over-the-top declarations about how special the relationship is
It feels romantic and flattering. But intensity without balance can be a sign of manipulation.
Too soon
- Instant declarations of love
- Plans for the future after only weeks
- Pressure to commit emotionally or financially
Healthy relationships grow gradually. When someone pushes for rapid intimacy, they may be fast-tracking dependence.
Transform
- “You would look better if you changed your hair.”
- “Why are you wearing that? You would look better if…”
- “Your friends are not good for you.”
These comments seem like concern but are early attempts to reshape identity, confidence, and support networks. Compliments become criticism. Autonomy shrinks.
From there, other tactics begin to appear, including gaslighting and what Sheilagh calls “ghost lighting”: being intensely present one moment, then disappearing without explanation, and later insisting nothing happened. These behaviors keep the victim survivor off balance and increasingly dependent.
Why We Miss the Signs
If you have ever looked back and wondered, “How did I not see it?,” you are not alone.
We are taught to romanticize intensity. Movies, books, and social media promote the idea that overwhelming attention means love. Abusers understand this. They also know how to charm people around their target — parents, teachers, coaches, coworkers, and friends.
It is also important to understand trauma and disclosure. Victim survivors of sexual violence are the largest group living with PTSD in the United States, according to national data and recent meta-analytic research (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, 2024; Dworkin et al., 2021). In the days and months after an assault, many make quiet, protective decisions about safety.
Who will believe me?
What will happen if I tell?
Will I be blamed?
For some, speaking up immediately feels unsafe. For others, it can take years of processing fear, shame, and confusion before they feel emotionally ready. Disclosure long after the abuse is not a contradiction. It reflects how much they had to survive and carry alone before they reached a place where telling their story felt possible.
Trafficking Happens Here at Home
Many people imagine trafficking as something that happens somewhere else. But in New Jersey, it happens in suburbs, cities, rural towns, and school communities across the state.
According to the National Human Trafficking Hotline (operated by Polaris), more than 2,389 trafficking cases have been reported in New Jersey since 2007, involving over 4,752 victims and survivors. These numbers represent only the individuals who were able to seek help. Experts believe the true number is significantly higher.
Source: National Human Trafficking Hotline, New Jersey Statistics
https://humantraffickinghotline.org/en/statistics/new-jersey
The New Jersey State Police Human Trafficking Unit identifies New Jersey as a high-risk area due to:
- proximity to NYC and Philadelphia
- major airports
- heavy tourism
- dense population
- interstate corridors such as I 95, I 295, Route 130, and Route 1
Source: New Jersey State Police, Human Trafficking Unit
https://www.njsp.org/division/investigations/human-trafficking.shtml
Trafficking here rarely looks like kidnapping or locked rooms. It often looks like:
- a teen manipulated by someone who seems caring
- a young adult isolated by a controlling partner
- someone whose basic needs are exploited by someone they trust, even within their own family
It happens here not because communities are unsafe, but because traffickers exploit vulnerabilities that exist in every community.
What We Can Tell Teens and Young Adults
Grace Flagler, Younity Prevention & Community Educator, emphasizes that trafficking and abusive relationships rarely look like dramatic movie scenes. Most often, the person causing harm is someone the victim-survivor knows: a friend, a partner, a family member, a teacher or coach, or someone offering an opportunity.
Grace’s guidance:
- Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or simply “off,” pay attention.
- Watch for patterns. One intense comment may mean nothing. Repeated discomfort matters.
- Talk to someone you trust, such as a parent, relative, teacher, coach, school counselor, or community leader.
- If one person does not believe you, tell someone else.
Every safe connection a young person maintains is a pathway to safety.
A Survivor’s Perspective
Adapted from the TEDx Talk “Domestic Sex Trafficking: A Survivor’s Perspective” by Karly Church, survivor and crisis-intervention counselor with Victim Services of Durham Region. Church works alongside Durham Regional Police detectives in the field to support underage girls and young women affected by trafficking.
Karly Church describes domestic sex trafficking not as something sudden or violent at the start, but as a process she was slowly pulled into.
She explains that her trafficker began by noticing her pain, her insecurities, and the places in her life where she felt unseen. “For once,” she says, “it felt like somebody was finally listening to me.” That attention, so comforting at first, became the doorway through which manipulation entered.
Karly describes the beginning as “the best your life has ever been,” with almost no red flags.
“The biggest red flag,” she explains, “is that it is too good to be true. And who wants to believe that, if nobody has ever treated you this way before?”
The shift into abuse came gradually.
“He gives you all that love and affection, then pulls it all away,” she says.
“You start wondering what you did wrong. You start to feel indebted.”
This emotional push-and-pull created a powerful trauma bond, making leaving feel impossible even when, physically, she could have walked away.
Today, as a crisis-intervention counselor, Karly uses her lived experience to teach others how trafficking really works and how traffickers use unmet needs, emotional wounds, and psychological tactics to gain control.
She ends her talk with a message for every community: “If a young person is empowered, it is incredibly difficult to traffic them.”
How We Can Support Someone Who Discloses
If someone shares that they are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, the most important responses are simple and life-changing.
- Believe them.
- Listen without judgment.
- Avoid “why did you stay” or “why did you not see it.”
- Let them set the pace for the next steps.
Every decision a victim-survivor makes is about what feels safest in that moment. Our role is to support, not direct.
You Are Not Alone
If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic or sexual violence or if you are unsure whether a relationship is healthy, Younity is here.
Our services are free, confidential, and always grounded in compassion.
You do not have to be ready to leave.
You do not have to prove anything.
You only need to take one step toward safety.
Younity’s 24/7 hotline:
609-394-9000
younitynj.org/get-help
Together, we can help more people recognize early signs of manipulation, believe victim-survivors when they speak, and build a community where power and control do not have the final word.
