How changing the questions can change the conversation
When stories of domestic or sexual violence make the news, another story often unfolds in social media comments.
What was she doing out that late?
Why was he even there?
Why didn’t they fight back?
Why didn’t she just leave?
These questions may seem reasonable, but they all have one thing in common. They focus on the survivor instead of the person who caused the harm.
According to Sheilagh Mescal Gunstensen, BScN, MA, Training Specialist at Younity, that shift has consequences.
Victim-Blaming Changes the Story
Victim-blaming doesn’t just hurt survivors. It changes where we place responsibility. As Sheilagh Mescal Gunstensen explains, “Victim-blaming decenters the harm-doer from the story.”
Instead of focusing on the person responsible for the abuse, we begin asking questions about the survivor.
What were they wearing?
Had they been drinking?
Why didn’t they tell anyone?
Why are they coming forward now?
Without realizing it, we’ve changed the story. The person responsible for the abuse fades into the background while the survivor becomes the focus of scrutiny.
That shift matters because it places the burden on the survivor to explain their actions instead of holding the person who caused the harm accountable. The responsibility for abuse belongs to the person who chose to commit it, not the person who experienced it.
Why We Ask Those Questions
If victim-blaming is so harmful, why is it so common?
Many of us ask these questions because we want reassurance that what happened to someone else could never happen to us.
Mescal Gunstensen says much of it comes from our desire to believe the world is fair.
“We want to believe the world is fair,” she explains. “If we make the right choices, we want to believe bad things won’t happen to us.”
Psychologists call this the belief in a just world. It is the tendency to believe that people generally get what they deserve.
That belief can make the world feel more orderly and predictable. Unfortunately, it can also cause us to assume that someone who experienced abuse must have done something to cause it.
That is where victim-blaming begins.
It is a way of reassuring ourselves that abuse happens only to other people. Unfortunately, that belief often comes at the expense of those who have experienced abuse.
Survival Doesn’t Always Look the Way People Expect
Another reason victim-blaming persists is that many people misunderstand how trauma affects the brain.
During a traumatic event, the brain shifts into survival mode. Some people fight. Others flee. Many freeze. These are automatic biological responses, not conscious decisions.
Trauma also changes how memories are stored. Survivors often remember events in fragments rather than in perfect chronological order. They may recall certain details vividly while other pieces emerge much later. That isn’t evidence that someone is lying. It is a normal response to overwhelming trauma.
As Mescal Gunstensen explains, survivors make the safest decision they can in that moment, even if it doesn’t look the way others imagine they would respond.
“Why Didn’t They Leave?”
Perhaps no question is asked more often of domestic violence survivors than “Why didn’t they just leave?”
The reality is far more complicated.
Abusive relationships are often built on patterns of coercive control. An abusive partner may isolate someone from friends and family, control finances, monitor their movements, threaten their children or pets, or convince them that no one else will believe them.
Leaving often means untangling every part of a shared life, including housing, money, transportation, childcare, employment, important documents, and personal safety.
In fact, the period when a survivor is preparing to leave is often the most dangerous time.
What may appear simple from the outside can be extraordinarily difficult and dangerous for the person living it.
How We Can Respond Better
If someone tells you they have experienced abuse, your response matters.
Mescal Gunstensen encourages people to begin with simple, supportive statements such as:
- I’m so sorry that happened to you.
- Thank you for trusting me.
- It’s not your fault.
- How can I support you?
- What do you need?
Listening without judgment, believing survivors, and connecting them with resources can make an enormous difference. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is let someone know they are not alone.
Organizations like Younity are here to help survivors find safety, support, and hope.
Just as importantly, we can challenge victim-blaming when we hear it. We can examine our own assumptions and remember where responsibility belongs.
Changing the Conversation
Victim-blaming doesn’t just affect one survivor. It discourages others from coming forward, delays healing, and allows abusive behavior to continue in silence.
Changing that culture begins with all of us.
The next time we hear ourselves asking, “Why didn’t they leave?” or “Why were they there?,” perhaps we can pause and ask a different question.
Why did someone choose to abuse another person?
That simple shift changes the conversation. It puts the focus back where it belongs, on the choices made by the person who caused the harm rather than the person who experienced it.
When we choose empathy over judgment, we create space for survivors to be heard, believed, and supported. We also send a clear message that responsibility for abuse belongs with the person who committed it.
For 50 years, Younity has stood with survivors by providing safety, support, and advocacy while helping our community better understand the realities of domestic violence and sexual violence. Each of us has the power to change the conversation. By challenging victim-blaming and keeping accountability where it belongs, we can help build a community where survivors are met with compassion instead of doubt.
